About Home And Family

Father's Day, June 15, is just around the corner. It's that unique day when so many dads are treated like kings and honored by their kids with gifts of love, respect and admiration. There's no denying the need of a father in a child's life, and today there are many different labels for dads; step dad, divorced dad, single dad, Mr Mom dad, gay dad.

What they have in common is a positive impact on their kids' lives in terms of increased self-confidence, a strong sense of well-being, self-control, and success in school. While a small portion of deadbeat dads ruin the reputation of the majority, we would hope that these missing-in-action dads could be around for their kids. But it's also true that over 90% of dads believe that being a dad is one of the most important roles they could have. While celebrating Father's Day, we offer some insight into two of the most common blended family dads: the step dad and the divorced dad.

Step Dads

There may be a lot of confusion about the role of step dad since, as male head of the household, he has important financial and physical responsibilities, he cannot take for granted that he has those same rights and responsibilities with his step kids. He's not the birth dad and that distinction often causes tension, especially when he has every good intention of being a supportive husband and breadwinner.

Conflict may arise in any number of ways:

1) the kids may resist his influence because they feel loyalty to their birth father;

2) their mother may feel he's too hard on her kids, critical of her parenting skills, or unbalanced in his treatment of her kids and his own; or

3) he may feel anger and irritation about his wife being disrespected by her kids or by being snubbed or discounted himself.

Any way you slice it, these circumstances bring about tension in the home and arguments between the couple. Issues like these are common reasons for second marriages falling apart more quickly than first marriages.

Following are some fundamental guidelines for step dads who may be struggling to define their role with their step kids:

1. Keep in mind that your role is to support your partner in parenting as a mentor, coach, or friendly uncle. Take it slowly, and over time, when mutual trust and respect has grown, you may develop a stronger, more active role with everyone's support.

2. Focus on being on the same page as a couple, which means not only loving and respecting each other, but communicating clearly about household responsibilities, family budget, rules of behavior, methods of discipline, and the role you play in defending her decisions. Her assignment is to define limits on behavior and follow through on consequences, and your role is to support her and remind the kids what their mom wants. A weekly Family Meeting is an effective way of establishing behavioral guidelines and getting recurring issues on the table for discussion and resolution.

3. Be aware of unrealistic expectations by reading and learning about what it means to be an effective step dad. And, remember, it takes a lot of time, patience, understanding and sensitivity to help the family move towards mutual affection, trust and connectedness.

4. Consider an enlightening coaching session with a knowledgeable blended-family coach to help the step dad in your family cope with some of the issues and challenges he may be dealing with.

Divorced Dads

Father's Day for many divorced dads may not be a particularly joyous occasion, especially if they are not close to their kids physically or emotionally. There are many reasons why divorced dads feel pushed to the side and are apparently unimportant in their child's lives: geographical distance because of work, remarriage, or divorce poison where the children's mother has carefully alienated the kids from their father with the intention of completely removing him from their lives.

Dads may be disheartened but they should always keep in mind just how important they are as they guide, teach, and show love and support to their kids, even if it is long distance.

Following are some basic guidelines for Divorced Dads:

1.Try to get along with your child's mother for the sake of the children. Come to terms on a visitation schedule and a co-parenting plan. Kids want peace between you so they can enjoy both their parents, without worrying about your specific issues with each other.

2.Kids thrive on structure. Stick to planned phone calls, pick up and drop off schedules and behavioral expectations while at your home.

3. Avoid being Uncle Dad or Disney Dad with non-existent limits, and inconsistent discipline; this teaches the kids to believe you are a peer and best friend and not a responsible parent guiding a child. Uncle Dad parenting results in disrespect, emotional underhandedness, and eventually, kids who develop behavioral issues, since they have no respect for authority.

4. Consider an enlightening professional coaching session with a blended-family counselor who may help you gain new insight on problems that you face.

The pregnant woman carries her baby for 40 weeks, growing and building a healthy baby. Her body goes through a tremendous metamorphosis, with many discomforts. But at the end, she gets to go through 18-24 hours of terrific pain and extreme physical exertion, to get the prize...the baby. This truly is the prize, because most new mothers will immediately want to go through it all over again, to know that they can get their baby whom they have love at first sight like no other love. So, it truly is a phenomenon that a human would receive so much benefit and reward that they could withstand the ultimate event of 40 weeks plus labor and delivery all over again!

So then what? After the baby comes, it doesn't stop here. This is where the endurance kicks in. Breast-feeding every 2 hours 24/7, exhaustion, hormonal changes, diapering, cleaning, cooking and everything else. After she spends time breast-feeding, her baby will go to sleep, and she will sit there and watch the baby sleep, only to miss her own time for rest, and then she has to get up and shower and go to the bathroom, only to have the baby want to eat again or be diapered!!!

Eventually moms will get the hang of it, but with her own body going through so much change and the fatigue from the birth itself can last a couple of weeks, unless she has had good prenatal and post partum care, of course.

So, how can dads help moms? Hopefully dads can take off at least 1-2 weeks to get mom recovered and the art of breast-feeding mastered. During this time, dads can make sure that all the shopping is done, and that the house is stocked. Hire a cleaning lady to come in at least 2 times a week, the first week to get things into shape. Dads can take care of the animals, and when mom breast-feeds, take the baby and burp the baby. Mom shouldn't walk and carry the baby at the same time for at least 1-2 weeks as the pelvis is very unsteady due to the birth and the repositioning.

Help with holding the baby during mom's showers, eating and personal care. In other words, just be there at her beck and call to help. Get her a glass of water or electrolyte drink, right when she starts to breast-feed the baby. Moms get so thirsty when they are breastfeeding.

Dads, don't let mom cook the first 2 weeks. Hire a cook, get a relative, grandmother, someone to cook for both mom and dad. Soups are good as they are instant nutrition and very cleansing. Make sure mom has her supplements and get them all set up for her. These 2 weeks are for bonding for both mom and dad, and baby as a family and each other.

Dads can get right into the mix, and try to become more nurturing. Men are notorious hunters, and women nurture. But after the baby comes, just be there to help in any way you can. You will help mom to heal, baby will do better, and dads will be able to bond with baby and as a family.

Sometimes dads don't know what to do with themselves, and feel they are left out. Dads need to get into the mix and answer the wishes of their wives by being their legs, their arms and their energy.

'Meg bit Ted,' my son read out, immediately his eyes filling with tears. Even before he read those words I had sensed something was about to happen. I consoled him, before asking him if he was okay. He said he was, but clearly, he hadn't quite recovered. Being that it was before the school day had commenced, I mentioned to the teacher what had happened, and she said, 'Oh that's sweet - that's empathy.' I agreed. We went and sat on the mat, and then my son said he didn't really want a dog because he didn't want his teddy bear to be bitten.

Empathy can suffer a broken heart.

Empathy can experience the fullness of God's reality.

Empathy can be bravely vulnerable.

Yet we often suppress empathy

because it feels like weakness.

And thankfully we don't protect our children

from these experiences at school.

Particularly in an increasingly narcissistic age,

one of the greatest gifts we can give our children

are opportunities to experience and express empathy.

Then I called my wife at work to let her know what had taken place. Of course, it melted her heart. Then something very unremarkable happened. We ended the call in the same way we normally end calls when one of us is at work, with a simple goodbye, and not with an 'I love you.'

Suddenly God showed me something. Up until recently I had been saying 'I love you' whether my wife said it or not. In not saying 'I love you' was I missing an opportunity to communicate my love, even if my wife didn't feel comfortable reciprocating given that she was at work?

The opportunity is to recommence telling her that I love her, and not be bothered that she cannot reciprocate in that situation. I had simply followed her lead, having thought it was the right thing to do to stop saying I love you. But the better opportunity is to continue saying I love you whilst accepting that it is best for her not to reciprocate in that situation.

I really feel God was saying,

love reaches forth without expecting

the other to reach back.

Love loves because it can,

not because it must,

not because it's cajoled,

and definitely not to be repaid.

I subscribe to the view that none of us knows when we breathe our final breath, and I would prefer for all my loved ones to know through my words just how I do feel about them.

Some days whizz by without much fanfare, but there are other days that are just full of significant experiences. Within 30 minutes there were two experiences that are significant in the eternal realm.

Why would I communicate these things this way to you, today?

It could be as simple as being reminded of the sanctity of life which is enriched by commonplace experiences that we all have.

We all have those simple and powerful moments with our children. All our children are special. My child is no more special than yours! All our precious in the eyes of God.

Love has its living opportunities.

We take them today or we miss them forever.

And if we miss them today,

we take them tomorrow.

As we journal about our experiences we allow God to enrich us through the precious experience of reflection. This is simply what I've done here.

Truly I wonder what on earth we really have.

Death, of all things, teaches us to be open in this way.

I know that we have love, and those that God gives us to love. We may and most of us do have myriad possessions. All the stuff we have is ultimately swept away, and yet one thing remains throughout all eternity - the spiritual connection we have with each other.

Father's Day is a time when we can reflect on the male role models in our lives and appreciate the lessons learned from their input. Gifts and cards are often given in recognition of the importance of that paternal role.

But these days many homes are single-parent families and father may be seen only occasionally. Step-fathers, grandfathers, uncles, neighbours, teachers can all provide valuable guidance and teach much about those predominately male traits and characteristics. And sometimes other men are more supportive and reliable than our actual father.

If a child's father, their first significant male role model, falls short it can be tough for a child to process, sometimes internalising it as rejection, not being good enough, being unwanted. They may become defensive or shut off emotionally, as a means of protecting themselves from further hurt and disappointment.

Or alternatively, may feel compelled to continually strive to do better, constantly working harder and harder, or even react against the situation, becoming rebellious and defiant, giving the appearance of not caring, but constantly demanding attention nonetheless.

- As a single mother it's important to try to avoid sharing negative views and experiences of your ex, so colouring your child's perspective of their father. It may have been a difficult breakup, leaving you feeling hurt, disappointed, betrayed, let down, but those emotions are specific to your relationship with your ex-partner. Your joint children deserve to have the best of both of you and have each parent still in their lives in as positive a way as possible.

Far better to encourage children to keep in touch with their father, resulting in a happier outcome for all in the longterm. A single mother may feel aggrieved that he's in a position where he can bribe and buy the children's affections with lavish gifts and treats, which they gleefully accept! Why wouldn't they? But children are more insightful than perhaps we give them credit for. They usually know and appreciate the emotional and financial struggles that their mother has, the effort it takes simply to put food on the table each day.

Keep their relationship alive with their father and even if a more 'wholesome' male role model is in their lives, an understanding grandfather, uncle, mentor, accept that a child's dad occupies a unique position for them.

- As a separated father it's important not to exacerbate a situation if it's already fragile or acrimonious. The children are the innocents in this and if they behave badly or play up, accept that it may take time for them to settle and readjust. Try to ensure ongoing liaison with their mother, respect agreed decisions, keep civil channels of communication open and do your best to avoid reacting to points of contention.

Let's reflect on the qualities that are important in a father:

- Physical strength provides reassurance to children, who value their father as a guardian, protector, someone who's healthy and physically fit. They feel safe and secure when they know he's strong enough to stand up for them and the family.

- Moral values matter. Children expect to see their father do 'the right thing', have principles and be fair. Admiring and respecting their father for his integrity, honesty and guidance teaches them about having standards and respect for the law and for others.

- Men are increasingly comfortable about expressing their feelings, showing how much they love and care for their wife and children. Nowadays it's more acceptable to talk about issues and problems, to discuss how to cope and manage stress. Being able to hug, show love and affection is important. The days of the strong, silent man are fading. Children need to see and learn from their significant male role model how to discuss, compromise and resolve problems satisfactorily.

- Family values are learned when they see their father enjoy spending time with them, treating it as a priority, important to him. Children are sensitive to non-verbal cues, sensing disinterest, rejection and mixed messages in a variety of ways. They also notice how he treats their mother and other family members, separated or not. Family values are learned from witnessing relationships at home.

- Respect for others is another important lesson. How father treats other road users, staff in restaurants and shops, how he addresses the people he meets. Is he deferential, submissive, arrogant, assertive or pleasant? Good manners, consideration and appropriate communication styles are important in building positive, successful relationships with others.

- Does father have a good work ethic? Being conscientious, fair and diligent, enjoying his work choices, doing a good job and finding satisfaction from his efforts all demonstrate a sense of responsibility. Does he respect and care for money, treat property well, express gratitude and appreciation for what he has whilst having fun and treats? All traits a child will hopefully witness and learn from a father.

But Father's Day can be a time to reflect on things we'd have done differently too. Many people have memories of less than satisfactory experiences with their father, perhaps witnessing his relationship with work, money, success, areas where they feel he needed to have a better approach. They'll aim to avoid repeating mistakes that were made with them. After all, we all want to be the best we can be when we come to parent our own children.